Fertile Longings

Our journey these past two years has had high highs and low lows. For those of you who don’t know Ryan and I have been trying to have a baby for nearly two years and guess what?!! It just not happening. As much as we have prayed and cried and even begged God for children we still don’t have them. Some people have asked if  God is good when bad things happen.  Honestly I have asked that question and others often these past two years. I have seen friends get pregnant and have their babies and then get pregnant again and have another baby in these two years countless times. The ache is deep, there have been days that I don’t want to get out of bed because of this longing. But God revealed something significant to me this morning in the midst of a low morning. He showed me that I have been trusting in motherhood to make me happy. When He should be the one that I trust to bring me happiness.  And he hasn’t always been. What if God gives us these longings to make us draw closer to Him? What if It’s not that He isn’t good because of our trials, but that He is! And it’s because of the trials? I have never had to seek God for comfort more than I have in these past two years, never had to fight for joy more. Never had to have faith in Him, not that he will give us children but that He is who He says he is.

We may never be parents, I sincerely hope that we will be, but if we aren’t will I become a bitter and angry old woman who is always looking for greener grass? I want to scream from the top of my lungs NO! No I will not. God has called us to something greater, and by us I don’t just mean my hubs and I – all of us as followers of Jesus. We are called to remember not what we want from Him but what he has already rescued us from and for. He as rescued me from being a woman who always wants more, from being bitter and angry from things that have happened in my past, present and future. He has rescued me from ungratefulness. He has rescued me for heaven. For loving each day that he gives even in the midst of heartache and longings that aren’t fulfilled. He has rescued me to believe that His plans are best, that He gives me all I need for today moment by moment. He has rescued me to believe that HE REALLY IS ENOUGH. I don’t believe all these things in this moment but I choose to. This is what I really want at the bottom of my soul. I want to be completely satisfied every moment of every day with Jesus. And I can honestly say that I would not feel this way if God had given us a baby when first started trying to have kids. He allows hard things to draw us to Himself. Please remember that. He is good because of the hard stuff. He wants our whole hearts. 

Love came down by Kari Jobe

If my heart is overwhelmed
And I cannot hear Your voice
I hold on to what is true
Though I cannot see

If the storms of life they come
And the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith
I will believe

I'll remind myself
Of all that You've done
And the life I have
Because of Your son

(Chorus)
Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours
Lord I'm forever Yours
Mountains high or valley low
I sing out and remind my soul
I am Yours
I am forever Yours

When my heart is filled with hope
Every promise comes my way
When I feel Your hands of grace
Rest upon me

Staying desperate for You, God
Staying humble at Your feet
I will lift these hands in praise
I will believe

I'll remind myself
Of all that You've done
And the life I have
Because of Your son

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours
I am forever Yours
Mountains high or valley low
I sing out and remind my soul
I am Yours
I am forever Yours

I am Yours
I am Yours
All my days
Jesus, I am Yours
(X2)

Love came down and rescued me
Love came down and set me free
I am Yours
I am forever Your's
Mountains high or valley low
I sing out and remind my soul
I am Yours
I am forever Yours
(X2)

Yeah, I am yours, I'm yours, I am yours
Jesus I am yours

Tash